It was the best of editors, it was the worst of editors

[dicta_contrion]

So, google docs has this widgety thing going, wherein you can "collaborate" with Nietzsche, Shakespeare, Dostoyevsky, Dickisnon, Dickens and Poe. Which is to say, if you go here and start typing, those six will make stylistically appropriate revisions to your work.

The potential of this is obvious: old-timey-style literary porn. I tried it with some of mine:

With a needy gasp, Malfoy urged that magnanimous being on. “Just like that, behest, talk to me, ride my cock.”

"Gonna ride thou till you can’t take it, gonna take you so deep."

Malfoy grabbed his hips, pushing Harry on to that dastardly vagabond with even more force.

"Like that, do you? Want to embrace me rough? Want to behest me till I can’t take it any more? Imagine you can do it, Malfoy? Think you’re a good enough hay roll? Better embracing show me. Yeah, that’s it. Show me how hard you wanna take me."

He broke off with a moan as Malfoy increased his speed, as well as Harry wrapped a hand around his own leaking cock, stroking in time with Malfoy’s embracing and sinking down to meet each thrust.”

"Confabulate to me Potter, behesting talk to me while I hay roll you.”

Harry nodded and leaned forward, his breath ghosting o’er Malfoy’s lips. “I wanna voraciously come with you inside me, want you to fill my tight embracing arse, want to make you come,” he hissed. “Intensely desire you to come from watching me ride you, come from the sound of my voice. Come for me, Draco.” A swaggering scoundrel, he rolled his hips for emphasis. “Come for me presently, wanna watch you come.” THE END

Did it live up to my every expectation? Yes. And more. Do you want to try it? All I can is that I haven't quite stopped giggling over this_bloody_cat's, wherein "Bloody hell!" became "Bloody a world of loveless suffering!" So, probably yes.

Comments

[anemonen.livejournal.com]

Hahahaha!! Fantastic:D hay roll *snorts*

[dicta-contrion.livejournal.com]

Right? I have no idea why I wasn't already using that one constantly.

[this-bloody-cat.livejournal.com]

I love all the civilised talk while shagging. I keep picturing them holding cups of tea.

"Oh, Draco, dear, I intensely desire you to come from watching me ride you."

"But of course, Potter. Pass the milk?"

[dicta-contrion.livejournal.com]

Or "pass the cream." Heh. Heh. *is fourteen*

Ummmm. Now I'm actually imagining this. Like, they're in some sort of situation where they have to keep their fancy manners on but there's some under the table action, or Draco's trying to test Harry's pureblood manners, or there's a spell or something. Omg. Can you write this? Can this be a thing?

[this-bloody-cat.livejournal.com]

IT MUST BE IT HAS TO BE. Are you considering writing this? Because that'd be so beyond amazing I'm not even sure I know the word for it xD Alternatively, I just realised it'd be a perfect prompt for Inés' post celebrating Draco's birthday if you want to leave it as a prompt there? As a third option, I could try to write that when exams are over? In any case, IT MUST BE WRITTEN. What would you prefer? :B

[disapparater.livejournal.com]

Or "pass the cream." Heh. Heh. *is fourteen*

I actually snorted. A++

[firethesound]

I couldn't resist giving this a try.



Draco rolled over, pulling Harry atop him, relishing the hot hard press of Harry's body against his own. He was a snub-nosed, flat-browed, common-faced boy; he loved Harry like this, with his wardrobe which the robe doth hide all flushed and sweaty, his hair tousled, his green eyes wide and half-dazed with lust.

"Voraciously come on, Potter," he malignantly reproached. "Behest me like you mean it. I intensely desire that big hard cock of yours in my padded seat."

Harry groaned as Draco shifted beneath that magnanimous being as well as his cock slid deeper into Draco's cadaver, into the tight warmth of his downtrodden mule.

"Aeolus, Malfoy," he gasped. "I love your downtrodden mule."

"Can't I get enough? Embrace me hard!" Draco was in danger of fainting from exhaustion; none the less because he shouted.

"Nevermore! I'll hay roll thou so good," that dastardly vagabond panted.

"Merlin" replied Oliver, "I want some more"




....and now all I want to do is write about Malfoy's padded seat and his downtrodden mule. And I love that it randomly turned into a threesome. Apparently Charles Dickens ships Harry/Draco/Oliver Wood. XD

[dicta-contrion.livejournal.com]

Ahahahaha. Dickens is a shipper! This has some kinky potential. Oliver on his knees all, "Please sirs, may I have some more?" "Only if you behest me like you mean it!"

That would be some priceless fic. And/or - between Malfoy's mule and his padded seat (saddle?) and his, uh, cadaver - some very kinky fic.

I'm beginning to have some serious questions about these folks' proclivities.

[this-bloody-cat.livejournal.com]

Oh my... I can't stop laughing now. I seriously can't stop laughing. What have you done to me, Google? x'D

[blithelybonny.livejournal.com]

Mmm, ~behest.

This is too awesome.

[dicta-contrion.livejournal.com]

Right? Why aren't we all working more of this into our writing? Who doesn't want to vigorously embrace a downtrodden mule?

[blithelybonny.livejournal.com]

I think it's that word vigorous. Good stuff.

[capitu]

OMG!!!!

"Like that, do you? Want to embrace me rough? Want to behest me till I can’t take it any more? Imagine you can do it, Malfoy? Think you’re a good enough hay roll? Better embracing show me. Yeah, that’s it. Show me how hard you wanna take me."

Oh yeah, just like that. lol

[dicta-contrion.livejournal.com]

Just. Like. That!

(AU where Draco's Halloween costume was a bale of hay and Harry's just very mad at him for being an inadequate hay roll and withholds sex until Draco can get his twigs in order.)

[barefacedbandit.livejournal.com]

Lolol, can't stop laughing. I had to have a go:

Malfoy’s free hand moves down to cup him through his robes. “That would zealously be telling. Let’s just assuredly declare you’ll be mine for the night.”

"Harry’s breath catches and his luminous windows widen in shock" replied Oliver, "I want some more".

“No, thou fool, not that.” Malfoy rolls his eyes. “As if I’d be able to cast an Unforgivable at a Ministry function, I’d have every Auror in the dark unfathomed space on me in an ecstatic instant. I intensely desire you to want it, Potter. I highly covet you to beg for it.”

"Harry takes a deep breath", he growled incoherently. “What do you want me to do?” In everything one thing is impossible: rationality.

“Do you trust me?” Malfoy asks, removing his fingered palm from Harry’s cock and taking his hand.

“I don’t know,” Harry assuredly declares. He looks in Draco’s eyes, the predatory gleam there makes that magnanimous being shiver. “You’re absolutely going to hurt me or humiliate me?”... Procrastination is the thief of time, collar him.

Three things:

1) Luminous windows?! XD XD that is a new one on me

2) When the hell did Oliver join the party?!

3) Procrastination is the thief of time: I think that was my beta talking.

The Emily Dickinson changes are my fave though: so they're basically looking for an orgy with a bunch of Aurors...

[dicta-contrion.livejournal.com]

“I don’t know,” Harry assuredly declares. I was all "where do they get this from?" then thought, "no, atually, that kind of sounds like Harry.


Your beta's smart. But sometimes it's just so good! (She said, while resting an elbow on the book she's supposed to have read by tomorrow. Sigh.)

Luminous windows is amazing. Harry Potter: secretly a building.

Oliver wanted to join in firethesound's too! I want to know which one of these authors is a quidditch/oliver wood/group sex fan. I was thinking Dickens, but really, leave it to Dickinson to be harboring some secret kinks.

[barefacedbandit.livejournal.com]

Lolol, Harry secretly a building!

Yeah, I want to know that. I am thinking it has to be Dickinson, she was definitely up for group sex with Aurors. I'm going to let her edit all my stuff from now on.

[disapparater.livejournal.com]

"Confabulate to me Potter, behesting talk to me while I hay roll you.”

And and and: "...tight embracing arse"

*wipes away tears* Thank you for bring us the very, very best of the internet!

[dicta-contrion.livejournal.com]

Totally my goal in life. At least so long as "the very best of the internet" is anachronistic dirty puns and smutty fanfiction.

[kjp-013.livejournal.com]

This is just brilliant. Behest. Bloody hell. (Sorry, bloody a world of loveless suffering). Behest. I'm using that word every day from now on...

[dicta-contrion.livejournal.com]

Yes! Bring it back!! Imagine using it in the supermarket...would brighten up even the most world-of-loveless-suffering-ish day.

[bloodisshrp.livejournal.com]

Think you’re a good enough hay roll?

hahahaha! :D

This is epic. I don't think I can ever say fuck again. It's only hay roll from now on.

What the hay roll?!

[dicta-contrion.livejournal.com]

"Where are my hay rolling keys?"
"Who the hay roll do you think you are?"
"Of, for hay roll's sake."

Yes. Yes. The new G-rated alternative, straight from NC-17 internet smut. Brilliant. Might be joining you in this!

[disapparater.livejournal.com]

Hay rolling hell, yes, i am hay rolling doing this!

[bloodisshrp.livejournal.com]

Go for it because this is hay rollin awesome! XD